New Beginnings...again...for real this time...maybe...

One day I am going to start a blog consists of me committing to write more. I will make a post about once a year where I talk about wanting to write more. Wait, that is THIS blog. 

Its been over a year since my last post. When I logged in to make this most, I found a post that I had never finished. I was going to write about my trip to Disney World with my son and his mother. It was fun, expensive, and needlessly dramatic. It was about how I expected. 

In the last post that I successfully made, I mentioned being lonely and not having any luck with dating. That changed a few months after the post. I met a lady, Katherine, and we have been together for a year this past February. We moved in together back in October, and I have zero regrets. 

Thor is doing well. He is in kindergarten and is getting huge. I live closer to him now, which is good. I still don't see him as often as I would like to. We do enjoy our time together more though since we spend less time in the car going from one place to another. 

Alright, I am tired and I still have to do dishes, so that brings me to the end of this post. I want to try to write every day. We will see how that goes. 

Getting over the hump

This has been a rough year for me dating wise. At the beginning on the year, I was dating 3 different women. One moved away, one got serious with another guy, and things just kind of ended with one. Around that time, I met a lady that I ended up falling for pretty hard. She ended things, siting that she wasn't ready for anything serious, and promptly got into something serious.

The next lady came around right after the previous one. We went out a few times, and she pulled the fade on me. The lady after her stuck around for a bit longer, even said that she wanted to go for something long term with me. That ended up not working out. She was still hung up on her ex. We tried to remain friends, but I just had a hard time with it. I felt like she was less than honest with me.

I am still dating, but I am having a hard time going anywhere past that. I am even having a hard time being intimate with anyone, which is weird for me. In the past, when I was "hurt", I would just sleep with any lady that would get in bed with me. I don't really want to do that anymore.

I am just in a really weird place emotionally. I am lonely, but not painfully so. When I was younger, I would get in these deep depressions where I would stay awake and cry, or do things to try to cope like drinking or try to get laid. I don't even have a desire to do those things anymore. I just feel empty. Morose. I feel like the catalyst was this most recent relationship. It has gotten me down, and I am having a hard time getting back up.

Too Honest for OKCupid?

So much for posting more often. Actually, the chances of me posting more often have significantly increased. My sister has moved out and I now have my house back. This means that I can turn one of the bedrooms into a writing space. I am looking forward to this. So lets get on with this post:

It is no secret that I meet most of my dates online. As a matter of fact, most of my dating life has been facilitated by the internet. I have seen "internet dating" go from something taboo to being fairly mainstream. My profiles tend to be pretty straight forward. I would like to think that I come across as friendly and personal. I try not to hide anything. Still, I am not completely honest. So that is what I am going to do today. I am going to crank they honestly meter to eleven and write the ad that doesn't hold any punches. Here we go:

Friendly Viking seeks Tolerant Lady Friend

Male-31-Rural Georgia (Not too far from Atlanta, but far enough that the drive sucks). 

Height: 5'8" (but everyone swears that I am at least 6'0", until I am standing next to someone that is 6'0")

Weight: 300 (Most places make me pick some sort of classification for this. I feel like "A few extra pounds" is definitely an understatement. "Full Figured" makes it sound like I should have nice hips and a big rack. I usually just go with the obvious "Overweight".)

Intro- Hi! Thanks for looking at my profile. I understand that there are many gentlemen on here, so in the interest of saving time, I am going to disclose a few facts about me that may be deal breakers, but are very unlikely to change. That way, if they are deal breakers, you can go about your business. Here we go: I am a father. I have a beard. I am an Atheist Heathen (may require explanation). I am a gamer (I play both tabletop and video games). I enjoy smoking pipes, cigars, and hookah. If none of that is to your liking, I wish you the best of luck.

So here we go. Lets get on with this thing. The following may contain red flags, white flags, black flags, maybe some American flags, but probably not any checkered flags (I am not that competitive). It will contain good grammar, and maybe some bad grammar. Possibly some spelling errors. It will definitely contain tons of rambling. Also, I may get a little graphic. I am going for honesty here, and sometimes honesty can get messy. There is a Mongolian proverb that says, "A man that always tells the truth should always keep one foot in the saddle." I should probably close this paragraph with something better, but this public disclosure of writing myself into a corner is all I have. Moving on.

So why am I here? I am kinda lonely. Not a "woe is me, I have no friends" kind of lonely. More of a "It would be cool to have a girlfriend/girl friend/girl buddy that hangs out with me on a regular basis and cares about my happiness and well being" kinda lonely. In my mind, the best case scenario is that I meet a lady that I totally fall for who also totally falls for me and things just kinda go from there. However, I have been dating for a long time and I know better than to get my hopes up. I don't like to think that I am cynical, I prefer to think that I am a "realist"...but I am probably cynical.

So about this potential lady. Physically, I have very few expectations. I have dated women of different races, cultures, body types, heights and so on. Yeah, physical attraction matters, but I can't really hammer it down to a "type". Sure, there are certain features that I like. I like boobs, but I don't really have a preference to their size. I don't really care about butts, but I can appreciate butts. I suppose I am more of a face guy, but I can't really nail down any facial features that I prefer. I like ladies with piercings and tattoos. More so tattoos than piercings. Really though, the possession or lack thereof, of any of the above mentioned features really doesn't matter that much. When it comes down to it, I like ladies that I find to be attractive (for whatever reason) that also like me.

Honestly, writing that last paragraph made me a little uncomfortable. I think that writing people off based on their looks is pretty closed minded and shallow. I have known women that I didn't initially find attractive to become attractive once I got to know them. I guess kids these days call that sapiosexual. I have only seen bisexual ladies use that term. I have found my hetero life mate. I have seen him naked, and we did not want to bang. I like ladies with character and brains. Sweet, sweet brains.

Intelligence and passion. Such a turn on. I am totally not intimidated by women that are smarter than me. Alright, that isn't entirely true. I am totally intimidated by women that are smarter than me, but not how one might assume. I don't believe that my place as the man in the relationship is to be superior to the woman. If I somehow attract a MENSA socialite who's career and accomplishments make me look like an unmotivated dullard, GO ME. If she digs me and enjoys my company, I will gladly entertain my genius female overlord.

Alright, I have droned on long enough about my potential...match? Mate? Friend? Whatever, who needs labels? Lets move on to me. What do I bring to the table? I prefer to start in the beginning. Not the Big Bang, but a little later, to the year 1982. I came into this world kicking and screaming, covered in gore. I was born and raised in Georgia. I have lived in the North Metro area my entire life. Growing up in the suburbs of Atlanta has given me the benefit of knowing all different types of people. I would like to think that I am pretty open minded. I am definitely comfortable with my way of life, but I by no means think it is the only type of life to live. I enjoy variety, even though I don't experience it as much as I would like to.

I would like to think that I have a lot to bring to a relationship, be it friendly or romantic. People seem to enjoy my company. I like to tell stories and jokes. One of the greatest feelings in the world is telling a story that people are truly interested in and enjoying. I like speaking with people. Interacting. I love helping my friends and loved ones.

I don't really consider myself to be professionally successful. I have a pretty decent job. I could probably have a better job, but my motivation kinda sucks. I make enough money to support myself, my home, and my son. I make enough to get out and have fun, but I can by no means "make it rain". I do enjoy going out though. I like everything from quiet bars to stupidly loud clubs. I really like live music. I am also a fan of staying home. Not only does it tend to be cheaper, but I like cooking and drinking beers that are hard to find at said bars and clubs. Also, Netflix.

So what else is there to cover? Oh yes, religion. I mentioned that I am an Atheist Heathen. That isn't an official title. I have never seen it on any form or anything. It is simply the best way to describe myself. I am sure that you are familiar with atheism, so let me explain the Heathen part. A Heathen is a person that follows the pre-Christian beliefs of the Northern European peoples. Some people call it Asatru, or Norse Paganism, but I like the term Heathen. I "worship" (I will explain the quotes in a minute) the Norse and Germanic gods. So basically Odin (Wodan), Thor (Donnar), and so forth. And no, I am not a white supremacist. So where does the atheism part come in? Well I can't honestly say that I "worship" any gods. I like the idea of the gods. I believe that they represent certain people and aspects of nature that are important. Do I believe that thunderstorms are Thor battling Jotuns in the sky? No. That is silly. It is a cool story, but we know better than that. I believe in science. I make my decisions based upon logic and reason. I believe that our ancestors had some awesome stories and their culture is important and worth preserving. At the end of the day, I trust my own judgement and wits, and listen to the words of Neil Degrasse Tyson, Carl Sagan, and Thomas Jefferson. Yes, I like space...and America.

Alright, what else? Ah yes. My son. This kid. THIS KID. He is awesome. I love being a dad. Watching him grow up is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I love spending time with him, teaching him, and watching him learn. Alas, his mother and I are no longer together (thus, you are reading this now) and we have split custody of him. I have him every other weekend and one evening during the week. I also spend extra time with him when I can. His mother and I have a pretty decent relationship, so you don't have to fear the dreaded "baby mama drama". I mean there CAN be drama, but it is few and far between. Honestly, the most you would have to deal with is listen to me complain every once and while when his mom gets snippy with me on the phone. He has never met anyone that I have dated. I don't want to parade women in and out of his life, so I don't want to bring him around anyone that won't be around for awhile.  

Have I written enough yet? Probably. I might be getting close to the end, but I feel like I have a few more things that I need to put out on the table.

Polyamory. I bring this up because I have been contacted by a number of polyamorus women in the past. I suppose its the whole "Heathen gamer" thing. Anyway, it really isn't my thing. I don't have a problem with it. I don't think it is wrong. I totally get the whole "loving multiple people" thing. It just isn't my bag. Relationship wise, I am monogamous. Mostly.

I can't just let that last paragraph hang like that. Who am I? George R.R. Martin? ( I have been told that I look like a young GRRM. I don't really know how I feel about that). Okay, lets tackle the pink elephant in the room. Sex. I like it. Who doesn't? I used to be all about the booty. Alright, I am still all about the booty. I would just like to be all about one person's booty now. Most of my dating career has consisted of going out with a lady, banging, and maybe going out again. I really feel like I am past that now. Maybe. I am at least past the part where I want to DO EVERYONE. As I said before, my best case scenario for all of this is finding someone that I can develop a lasting relationship with. However, I suppose if I REALLY do get you all hot and bothered, send me a message anyway. Oh, and the little "...I am monogamous. Mostly." bit above there. I suppose I am open to swinging or exhibitionism given the right person and circumstances. They are things that I have been into in the past, and might still be in the future. As I said, It all really depends on the person and our relationship.

Okay. So that wraps things up. You have made it this far. Congratulations. I hope you at least enjoyed the read. If you have any desire to contact me, be it to praise me or even chastise me, please feel free to do so. At the very least, we will have an interesting exchange of ideas.

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There it is. I said it. So what say you, dear reader? Is it too honest? Or am I sitting on a wall of text that is would cause the ladies to come knocking at my door?

EDIT (9/03/13)- I originally wrote this in the wee hours of the morning. I know that I gave a disclaimer about the writing quality but DAMN. I have made some changes.

Commitment

Alright. I am going to make a solid attempt to make a non-whiny (good chance), non-emotional (fat chance) post here soon. A post that actually sticks with my intended subject matter, being a Heathen and a father. This is going to happen in the next week. Stay tuned... if you are even there.

Dichotomy

I am sad. It's over a girl. Nothing new really. I have gone through this plenty of times. The details don't really matter. I think the realization that I made today does.

I am not lacking for women that are interested in me. I don't say this proudly, but I know that I have made some women feel the way that I am feeling right now.

When I was younger. I used to get mad in situations like this. I would play the role of "the victim". The woman some evil villain that used my heart as a plaything for her own sick and deranged purposes. I can't honestly feel that way now. Sure, there is a part of me that wants to cry and scream. There is a part of me that wants to call her and demand answers and explanations.

I already know the answer. There are none. At least nothing significant. Sure she could have been more honest, but that really doesn't change anything. Her dishonesty only delayed what I am feeling.

I keep telling myself, that she did me a favor. The girl that I fell for wouldn't do this to me, yet she did it, so she is clearly not the person that I fell for.

I just feel lonely. I have friends. I have women that want my affection. I lack a companion. A partner. I really want a partner.

I hate...

I hate coming home and seeing my roommate's stuff everywhere even though I have asked them to keep the place clean. I hate smelling their cat box. I hate having to constantly remind them to keep it down when Im trying to sleep. I hate the drama that they bring around.

I hate that I dont get to see Thor as much as I would like to. I hate that seeing him requires me to drive out to Woodstock. I hate that his mom refuses to meet me halfway. I hate that his mom uses him as a bargaining chip. I hate that the she thinks it is ok to say mean things to me. I hate that whenever I call her out on it, things get worse.

I hate living so far away from my friends. I hate that no one comes over to visit. I hate that my social life requires at least an hour of driving. I hate that I am afraid to invite people out because I think they will say that the drive is too far. I hate that I live around rednecks that I have nothing in common with.

I hate that every girl that I find interesting flakes out. I hate that I flake out on every girl that finds me interesting. I hate that sex is easy to come by but relationships aren't. I hate that I can't just accept the sex and not worry about the relationship.

Thats pretty much it.

Confrontation

I confronted my dad tonight. I pretty much recited the post I made last night. There was some fighting, but now we are cool.

You have to confront what you fear and what angers you in order to get past it.